the ordeal

Here's a fuller version of the story.  There's been a lot going on for me lately, good stress (a reading, a wonderful book party) and bad stress (I don't think I need to spell that out), plus finals and the confusions of doing something every night and talking to many new guys as a distraction from this tenacious brooding and anger.  On Wednesday, I went to my therapists', and we talked about how I needed to slow down and take some deep breaths and not be in such a hurry to "solve" everything.  After my appointment I stopped to buy cat food and groceries at the bodega. By the time I got home it must have been after 8... I spent some time e-mailing and cleaning up... I was very keyed up, very wired... and by the time I looked at the clock again, it seemed too late to make dinner... I had some almonds, some oat bran pretzels, and then I took my customary bedtime pills (magnesium, 5htp, progesterone, and a Remeron... a whole dose rather then my usual half because I really needed to unspool, and besides I'd taken a whole one the night before)... and then... sitting on the toilet... I found myself feeling nauseated...and dizzy.... I remember thinking, I'm going to pass out... if I can just get to the bed, I'll be OK, so I got up, and that's the last thing I remember


because I didn't make it to the bed... I came to lying prone next to the bed... there was blood around me... I wondered, did I get my period, after six months? so I went into the bathroom... and looked in the mirror... a gash on my chin like a flap... about two inches wide, and pretty deep, and I started to freak... held a towel to it as compress, and called 911... shaky... somehow managed to get jeans and a sweatshirt on over my slip... and unlock the door... and buzz in the EMTs... they came quickly... they got my coat and a few things... my phone... my wallet... my keys... swaddled me in a sheet... took me in the ambulance to Lutheran Hospital in Sunset Park... went through triage .. interviewed by a woman with amazing tattoos... they asked me what day it was, where I was... I knew... then they brought me to a cubicle in the emergency room... where I lay for almost 24 hours... many doctors came to see me... to ask many questions... over and over again I gave my history... a surgeon came to stitch up my chin...

I could barely sleep with all the monitors beeping and the constant activity outside... I remember telling myself to just pretend I was at some avant garde music experience... the beeping in waves... people's hearts, doctors' conferences, busy floor staff conversations, and sick people moaning miserably... I think there was someone with Tourettes... there was nothing to read... not even a magazine... I had no paper or pen to write with... I just lay there until the next round of doctors came by with questions... I had blood under my nails, blood in my hair, blood on my ankles and shins, blood on my slip... they didn't clean me up... I tried to sleep, must have slept... a little... they brought me a muffin... I had to take tiny pieces of it off and let them moisten in my mouth because I couldn't chew... so then while Thomas was visiting they brought me some puréed stuff... it tasted like meatloaf & mashed potatoes and candied yams... it was gray and orange... and I was so hungry it was the most delicious thing I'd ever eaten... also the Greek yogurt Thomas brought me... and apple juice... many tests... I mentioned them earlier...

and finally finally the next day they gave me a room, a miserable little room on the cardiac floor... and gave me more and more and more tests... I had to scrub off all the little glue marks from the nodes and tape from the tests and IV bandages... riding about in a stretcher... one transport guy actually tried to pick up on me... I had never looked worse in my life I'll bet... we were in the elevator... I said are you working the night shift?  he said, just so I could be with you... I gave him my phone number... I must have still been in shock as that is not my normal behavior... the MRIs I treated as an extension of the avant-garde music concert... but I was getting so sore from lying around on that awful bed... the nurses coming in to bark at me... and for some reason they put me on a "liquid" diet... pudding and jello... and I was so bored, and achy, and unclean... I didn't know if I could take a shower with all those stitches... I tried to wash myself...

I kept hoping they would let me go... and Friday evening Marianne and Jim came over with bags of groceries and a change of clothes... panties!  new panties!... and they entertained me... I sang them The Frozen Logger... my hair matted at the roots with the gel they use for EEGs ... and I'd had a cardiogram... seen my heart beating like some undersea creature... and I saw my brain scan!... like beautiful cauliflower florets... oh, I have the most beautiful brain... and the next day, I so hoped SO HOPED they would let me go...  and I started to put up a fight... because I'd been there since Wed. night and it was now SATURDAY.... and finally finally at 4:30... Mitch was visiting... they let me go home... never was my apartment so exquisite, never a bubble bath so adored... I made soup... took possession of my life again...cuddled with Nemo and Dante, and slept in my regal bed...

trying to push out the thoughts of anger and betrayal... that if I had not been so overwrought... so very sad... and trying to fight it... and if I had not been alone here... this would not have happened...

and the fearful thoughts, too... of how much worse it could have been, if, say... I had not come to... or if I had hit my head and got a concussion instead of "merely" a split chin and a jaw fracture... so OK, I can't eat solid food for a few weeks, but I'm here... my friends are incredible, really incredible.... and I...will... heal.