nothing but a waste of time

What a spot-on horoscope today:

Capricorn (12/22-1/19)

The mists of your memories will do nothing but cloud up your vision today, and you will need clarity to make some important decisions. So try to live in the present moment each step of the way today. Face forward and keep thinking about the next adventure instead of leaving some of your heart in the past. Dwelling on failures -- or successes -- is nothing but a waste of time. Turn away from your memories and toward the opportunities that will come your way.

On Hurricane Sunday I finally began the much-dreaded project of rearranging the decimated, chaotic, divided books.  It was something I could not bear to do before. I needed a full year before I could do that, and a helper (I had a helper). There were keen moments of noticing what was missing as well as gratitude for what was still there, and newly here.

I came upon a little green notebook, one of those French ones with the laminated plaid covers, of Gary's. Some of the material in it seems to have pre-dated our relationship, other stuff comes from when we were corresponding, and then also there are several poems that we wrote collaboratively. They were good.  When we were first together, that kind of notebook passing-back-and-forth was one of our favorite and most productive activities. I guess I am not allowed to post the poems here, although they are half-mine. Oh... well...

My friend Peter asked me whether I felt pain at discovering this notebook.  I wrote:

It was less painful than it was confusing.

It's still hard for me to understand what it was that exactly went wrong.

The creative alchemy for a while, and to some extent throughout, was
truly extraordinary. Why couldn't that survive the quotidian, the male
ego, etc.?

OK:  so I don't understand, and I should just stop asking why why why why why, like the tiresomely insistent child in the elevator with her overly patient mother..

Clearly by posting this I am not following the horoscope's advice at all, but I do mean to, really, in good time.


Addendum: I realize this seems like it is about "me," but essentially it's not.  It's about anyone who has ever lost anything.  That would be everyone, I believe.